For partners navigating the long journey of life together, the occasional argument might seem like a sign of trouble—but experts increasingly argue that healthy conflict can actually be the key to a stronger, more resilient relationship.
While celebrity couple George and Amal Clooney recently made headlines with their claim of nearly 12 years of marriage without a single argument, therapists say such friction-free unions are the rare exception, not the rule—and possibly not even ideal.
“People are drawn into thinking that lots of conflict is a sign that there’s something wrong with a relationship, and an absence of conflict means there isn’t something wrong,” says Joanna Harrison, a couples therapist and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have and Why the Washing-up Matters.
According to Harrison, learning to argue the right way can strengthen a relationship.
Rather than trying to avoid conflict altogether, partners should view disagreements as opportunities to better understand each other’s values, frustrations, and emotional needs.
Stefan Walters of Harley Therapy agrees, noting that research has shown that couples who argue effectively are more likely to stay together over time. “Arguing is a great skill,” he says. “For many of us, unfortunately, it wasn’t modelled for us very effectively in our childhood.”
Clinical psychologist Linda Blair adds that the goal in an argument should never be to “win.” Instead, couples should seek mutual understanding and compromise. “When we get emotional, we think in black and white: we win or we lose, we’re right or wrong. You need to find the compromise,” she says. “When we stay calmer, we’re able to see the grey between the blacks and the whites.”
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Blair recommends practical techniques like walking side-by-side rather than facing each other to reduce perceived threats, or even discussing difficult issues in public spaces, like a restaurant, where tempers are less likely to flare.
Most importantly, the experts say, is what happens after the argument. Taking time to reflect on what the conflict was truly about, and making space for honest curiosity, can be what ultimately brings couples closer. “Be a detective,” says Harrison. Try to understand what the argument really meant to your partner. Often, it’s not just about the dirty dishes.
Top Tips for Constructive Conflict Given by Blair
DO:
- Choose your moment: Plan for serious conversations instead of catching your partner off guard.
- Be curious: Ask questions and listen rather than dominate.
- Take ownership: Use “I feel” statements rather than pointing fingers.
- Know when to pause: Walk away and revisit the issue later if things escalate.
DON’T:
- Fight to win: Make the issue, not your partner, the enemy.
- Keep score: Avoid saving grievances as future ammunition.
- Explode in front of children: Conflict modeling is okay—but shouting matches are not.
- Show contempt: Respect is non-negotiable, even in the heat of the moment.
While the Clooneys may be blissfully argument-free, for most couples, it’s not about if you argue—but how. And with the right tools, even a disagreement can bring you one step closer.
